From a chat I had last night with my friend "A", when I was unable to sleep.
Me: fuuuuuuuck!!!! I have to change my life, but I don't know how.
A: do you want advice?
Me: okay, sure! I could use some advice
A: i was just sick (still am but not as much) in bed for 6 weeks more or less... i examined my whole life. not methodically, but in a probing gestalt kinda way
the biggest success was that i accepted being a complete loser and pathetic failure.
now i am just myself.
Me: oh. I wonder if I should do that too?
A: get sick for 2 months?
Me: no, accept that I'm a complete loser and failure
A: well i didn't mean to describe you in that way but that is pretty close to where i was going.
we've both had tremendous advantages and taken things for granted that life doesn't necessarily owe us.
Me: accept that I'm married to an unconscious man who'll never change
A: things that are sources of frustration for you or me might never occur to people who've never had the chance to worry about them
A: many people all over the world expect to be married to an idiot and they are not disappointed
Me: hahaha. yeah, you're right. women the world over take much more shit than what I'm complaining of.
I'm in that mindset of the privileged people, that you can create a super-partner-romance.
A: it’s not that it is impossible it is more that nothing is guaranteed
desire doesn't guarantee it
Me: i dunno, i kinda think it's impossible
A: it doesn't matter if it is or not
having it or not isn't necessarily connected to the enjoyment of life
you have some big challenges living in a place with a backward culture and no native english speakers
i don't think you could have the exact experience i had, the awesome miracle of 6 weeks of bedridden oblivion. because i have no kids, no partner no job or even any friends right now
only online contacts
i was just alone with myself inside my apartment
i found places where i had run away from myself because of what i could not accept in life... could not accept what life was giving me so i stunted my own experiences
also on the other side of coin i found i was engaged in all kinds of useless dialogues with people that would never benefit me
the subject and/or gist of interaction couldn't possible satisfy my goals
and all those things had to go
very different from not accepting myself or others
opened myself to painful love feelings stuck inside
examined revenge fantasies, sadomasochistic pleasures
just to find reality