From a chat I had last night with my friend "A", when I was unable to sleep.
Me: fuuuuuuuck!!!! I
have to change my life, but I don't know how.
A: do you want advice?
Me: okay, sure! I could use some advice
A: i was just sick
(still am but not as much) in bed for 6 weeks more or less... i examined my
whole life. not methodically, but in a probing gestalt kinda way
the biggest success was that i accepted being
a complete loser and pathetic failure.
now i am just myself.
Me: oh. I wonder if I should do that too?
A: get sick for 2 months?
Me: no, accept that I'm a complete loser and
failure
A: well i didn't mean
to describe you in that way but that is pretty close to where i was going.
we've both had tremendous advantages and taken
things for granted that life doesn't necessarily owe us.
Me: accept that I'm married to an unconscious man who'll never change
A: things that are sources of frustration for you
or me might never occur to people who've never had the chance to worry about
them
right
good example
Me: sigh
A: many people all over the world expect to be
married to an idiot and they are not disappointed
Me: hahaha. yeah, you're right. women the world
over take much more shit than what I'm complaining of.
I'm in that mindset of the privileged people,
that you can create a super-partner-romance.
A: it’s not that it is
impossible it is more that nothing is guaranteed
desire doesn't guarantee it
Me: i dunno, i kinda think it's impossible
A: it doesn't matter if it is or not
having it or not isn't necessarily connected
to the enjoyment of life
you have some big challenges living in a place
with a backward culture and no native english speakers
i don't think you
could have the exact experience i had, the awesome miracle of 6 weeks of
bedridden oblivion. because i have no kids, no partner no job or even any
friends right now
only online contacts
i was just alone with myself inside my
apartment
i found places where i had run away from
myself because of what i could not accept in life... could not accept what life
was giving me so i stunted my own experiences
also on the other side of coin i found i was
engaged in all kinds of useless dialogues with people that would never benefit
me
the subject and/or gist of interaction
couldn't possible satisfy my goals
and all those things had to go
very different from not accepting myself or
others
opened myself to painful love feelings stuck
inside
examined revenge fantasies, sadomasochistic
pleasures
just to find reality
Lots of us are going through a lot of bad things right now. We are not alone. Even when we are so alone. Misery loves company. Even if it's only through the internet. What a gift the internet can be. It's something. I'll take it.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Without the Internet I might be running around outside with the chickens, screeching my woes to the stars. Or I might be out actually making friends instead of sitting hunched at my computer complaining about my being lonely. Either way, it's all right, it's what I created and it'll all be okay.
DeleteI tried to find your blog to see all the things you're going through, but it was empty!
Yes, it'll all be okay.
ReplyDeleteMy blog is empty because I haven't started it yet! I want to soon. It would give me some kind of outlet while I wait to return to Brazil, to my partner, to crazy Sao Paulo, in September.( I am in Japan for work). Maybe divert my loneliness.
Oh yes, you should blog! I've only had three friends who lived and worked in Japan, but ALL of them were incredibly lonely there. One of them, I was the first woman he dated after returning from Japan and I remember he was like this walking block of ice, or like a stone statue just come to life and learning how to move, when I first saw him. So I bet your blogging about life there would be informative and enlightening as to a cultural phenomenon.
DeleteYour friend was giving out some good advice. You both should take a look at 'Butterflies are free to fly' you can download it for free at the author's website, http://butterfliesfree.com think you would enjoy it. A new take on this game of life, i think you'd enjoy it.
ReplyDelete#atozchallenge
maggie winter
Thank you so much--this is completely up my alley. I've downloaded it and am putting it on my Kindle!
Delete