Releasing failure

I've been told that I have a "writer's template" in my head, where I organize my thoughts in a way that makes it easy to put them down on paper. Lately, I've felt like something's shifted in my brain so that template isn't as automatically accessible as it usually is...so I've had trouble writing anything--fiction most of all, but also emails, blogging, journaling.

A few days ago I got a hold of ten sets of Scientology Congress lectures very cheaply--I guess every year, when he was still alive, L. Ron Hubbard went to a different locale and did a few days of lectures on a certain topic. I'm not a Scientologist--I find most spiritual belief systems get screwed up when they become "organized," and the greater the organization the more watered-down the teachings--but I am completely fascinated by both the science and the inspiration behind all new religious movements. I have a particular interest in Scientology because L. Ron Hubbard was friends with Lewis Bostwick, the founder of the Berkeley Psychic Institute (which I was involved with for many years), and their ideas are similar--different facets of the same truth.

Anyways, I'm reading the transcripts of the lectures instead of listening to the cds so I can skim. Unfortunately, most of the stuff isn't very good--not like Dianetics, which is pretty awesome. L. Ron Hubbard doesn't express himself concisely or clearly as a speaker (he also has a writer's template, I think), but rambles on and on to get a simple point across. I'm also beginning to see in reading his lectures why there's such corruption in the movement today--he invested too much into creating a new language and not enough time explaining things directly, so people have twisted the meanings of the lingo while disregarding the intent behind them.

One thing I have read that I like: Hubbard talks about how a reason why we become apathetic is that we have too many uncompleted cycles in our past--too many things we said we would do but didn't. All those times we said "I want to be ___ when I grow up" and all those other intentions we set that didn't come about, they're still sitting in our energetic space, wanting completion. We may experience the pressure of uncompleted and forgotten goals as a feeling of failure.

We can begin to release the failure by remembering the cycles we started and calling all that energy back into present time. This will help us to stop creating situations that would validate the feeling of failure by having us fail yet again. Does that make sense?

The first intention I ever set as a child was that I would be an artist. The second was that I'd be a writer. My parents told me neither of these were feasible because I wouldn't make money. So I said I'd be a dentist, only because I wanted to give away stickers to kids. I feel like I've completed the dentist-wish cycle because I do give stickers to kids now. As for being an artist, I somehow interrupted that cycle by creating debilitating headaches whenever I've taken classes. And the writing--trying to complete this cycle has consumed me for decades--and I'm thinking now it's time to bring it into present time to see how much of the compulsion is a past-time pressure, because I'm pretty sure that's the part that makes it not enjoyable.

Statistics to combat insecurity

I have a lot to be insecure about lately as I've started the process of querying my novel. I imagine it's sort of like trying to get pregnant when contraception is being used--let's say a condom, which is supposed to be about 98% effective. Imagine that the condom has failed--but then the sperm still has to get to its destination. From this article:

Sperm placed inside a woman find themselves in a very hostile environment, with features that either destroy microscopic entities or block entrance into her body. The normal vaginal environment is very acidic (pH 3.5), which suppresses dangerous bacterial overgrowth but also kills sperm. Fluids produced by the male seminal vesicles are part of the semen and temporarily neutralize (pH 7.5) the acid. The neutral environment then activates the sperm. A thick sticky mucus plug also blocks the small cervical opening into the uterus.

Getting a request for a partial or a full is like that 2% chance of the sperm getting through the condom. And then, getting an offer is like the sperm battling to get to the egg.

Anyways...I like to think in terms of statistics, because then when I get a rejection, it means that I'm like 1% closer to finally getting an acceptance. Or not. We'll see...I know there's a good match for me somewhere out there!

It's also nice for me to think that I'm far likelier to get an offer of representation or publication than to be in an airplane accident. I have this terrible fear of flying which has only grown in the last ten years, and looming before me, probably end of September or early October, I'll be returning to Brazil. I have a self-hypnosis CD on fear of flying, but I left it in Brazil. Not that it was particularly helpful...and I realized today why. When I think about flying alone, I actually get kind of excited about it, and there's no doubt whatsoever in my mind that nothing bad would happen. The thing that puts me in survival mode and has me having nightmares about planes crashing is the thought of flying with my children. So now that I've distilled the fear into components, I just need to wait for information to arrive (from somewhere in the universe) about how to deal with first-chakra overstimulation from worrying about my kids and things from which I'm unable to protect them.

Any ideas???!!