On and off the wagon

I've fallen off the wagon a little with with my ROW80 goals. I said I was going to fast once a week, meditate 15 min/day, do a breath meditation daily, learn Spanish and Portuguese, and read 10 pp nonfiction. And then I had some writing goals too.

• My last attempt at a fast failed because after I recovered from my month-long yeast infection, suddenly my food choices mushroomed, and I ate too many carbs and thus created the vicious circle of wanting more and more bad foods. I lasted only 14 hours.
• I've more been meditating between 2 and 5 minutes a day.
• My nonfiction reading has slipped to 5 pages a day.
• I forgot my breath meditation two days ago so now I feel like my 40-day sadhana attempt is a bust.
• After I finished reading a book in Portuguese, I've only been reading a couple of Portuguese blog entries per day. 
• My writing...I don't even want to talk about that.

So my willpower is a little bit low these days. What happened? Well, a few days ago I started reading news of the ongoing Fukushima radiation cleanup attempts and all sorts of rumors and speculations about possible government coverups, conspiracies and what all of it may or may not mean for the future of the human race. There have been continued aftershocks around the reactors, and although the government claims they're in a state of "cold shutdown," a group of people who are watching both radiation spikes worldwide and the live webcam of Fukushima Reactor #4 continue to have about the most depressing conversation I've ever seen on the Internet.

I do tend to believe that 

1. most of the "death by radiation" talk is psyops meant to make the public afraid, as that's when it's easiest to control you.
2. If the whole business about us destroying ourselves by the end of 2012 is true, then the other stuff must be true too, that aliens won't let it happen, that we have the technology to neutralize radiation, that matter is simply a denser form of thought and the only thing causing anything at all is belief and group agreements to have certain kinds of experiences.

Still, because I am the way that I am, I did imagine out entire scenarios based on the idea that we would all die by radiation. My first urge was hedonistic--I wanted to eat lots of sugar and maybe a cappuccino, wondering why I bother eating healthy at all. And then I also felt really sad thinking that my novel didn't even have a chance. 

But then I concluded that if I ate sugar and gluten and caffeine I would feel like crap. And that there are so many other possible futures out there and in the one I'm focusing on, there is a point to writing my novel because we're going to figure out this mess. In my universe...each person who becomes a cause rather than an effect has the power to set the energy for an entire region...as big as you can make your aura. 

So the thing about making goals is it's what we can do to make the future, it's how we set personal energy as well as that for a group. And the best thing I can do is to pick myself up from where I've been triggered, and get back on the wagon.