There were two parts. In the first, I was in bed with a man, two kids, and a dog, and there was a second man, my lover, who was hidden under the blankets, somewhere around my feet. We were going to have sex, but somehow I had this plastic box-thing between my thighs and I expected the man to be able to shove his way through the box to get to me. Of course, he couldn't. And then I had to get out of there because it was simply too crowded.
In the second part, my parents and my kids were completing a 1500-piece puzzle. They gave me three extra pieces that came from other puzzles. Then my friend P talked about renting a small house next door to me. When P went away to go do something, though, my friend V, who was the former tenant of that house, arrived and moved in. P didn't realize it was already occupied and he walked in and got in a confrontation with V. I was terrified and felt somehow that this was my fault, that I'd hidden information from both of them and could have prevented this--but it turned out all right. P understood.Now I'm going to make a bullet list of what this means to me:
- When our lives feel crowded, when we feel like we have too many people in our bed, when we feel we cannot be honest with everyone--we have a fear of letting go. We hold on to the old, fixated in a past-time behavioral pattern that used to work but no longer serves us, and we constantly feel an emptiness within us that causes us to reach for someone or something to fill us.
- We overcome ontological terror by lying to ourselves in order to limit the terror.
- What we need to do instead is to let go--of the fear, the control, and above all the desire for certain outcomes. Because what fills that yawning emptiness isn't another person or activity or thing. What fills us is recognizing that we aren't what's inside a fixed structure, nor are we the borders; we are space that's defined by movement. We are consciousness, not the thought-forms within our awareness. Only by constantly becoming--constantly flexible, moving, open--are we in a state of pure being.
- When we are fixated on a past way of being, and on filling the emptiness within that fixation, when we are terrified of existence itself, we are compulsively, addictively attracted to others who lie to themselves in the same way.
- Scarcity of people to love us doesn't exist. When we open ourselves to meeting people who can trigger us into seeing truth reflected in our interaction with them, we are wont to hold onto the person, but instead we must hold onto the truth. The person will stay if that serves you in your becoming subject to truth; if not, there are always more people. Your openness will allow you to embrace the next person who can re-orient you to becoming one who acts in accordance with truth. Opportunity only closes down when you fixate on the elements of the last encounter, not the opening itself--how you felt when you saw the realm of possibility expand out before you.
- Let go of the outcome...let go!
Alain Badiou: "There is an intrinsic finitude to desire, due to its cause always being an object, whereas it is not an object that is the cause of love, but a being." Embrace desire--for love has to pass through it in order to come into fruition--but the object is not the point.