Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Letting go

In my life I have so many layers of activity going on that I think it's easier to begin with a dream:
There were two parts. In the first, I was in bed with a man, two kids, and a dog, and there was a second man, my lover, who was hidden under the blankets, somewhere around my feet. We were going to have sex, but somehow I had this plastic box-thing between my thighs and I expected the man to be able to shove his way through the box to get to me. Of course, he couldn't. And then I had to get out of there because it was simply too crowded.
 In the second part, my parents and my kids were completing a 1500-piece puzzle. They gave me three extra pieces that came from other puzzles. Then my friend P talked about renting a small house next door to me. When P went away to go do something, though, my friend V, who was the former tenant of that house, arrived and moved in. P didn't realize it was already occupied and he walked in and got in a confrontation with V. I was terrified and felt somehow that this was my fault, that I'd hidden information from both of them and could have prevented this--but it turned out all right. P understood.
Now I'm going to make a bullet list of what this means to me:
  • When our lives feel crowded, when we feel like we have too many people in our bed, when we feel we cannot be honest with everyone--we have a fear of letting go. We hold on to the old, fixated in a past-time behavioral pattern that used to work but no longer serves us, and we constantly feel an emptiness within us that causes us to reach for someone or something to fill us.
  • We overcome ontological terror by lying to ourselves in order to limit the terror. 
  • What we need to do instead is to let go--of the fear, the control, and above all the desire for certain outcomes. Because what fills that yawning emptiness isn't another person or activity or thing. What fills us is recognizing that we aren't what's inside a fixed structure, nor are we the borders; we are space that's defined by movement. We are consciousness, not the thought-forms within our awareness. Only by constantly becoming--constantly flexible, moving, open--are we in a state of pure being. 
  • When we are fixated on a past way of being, and on filling the emptiness within that fixation, when we are terrified of existence itself, we are compulsively, addictively attracted to others who lie to themselves in the same way.
  • Scarcity of people to love us doesn't exist. When we open ourselves to meeting people who can trigger us into seeing truth reflected in our interaction with them, we are wont to hold onto the person, but instead we must hold onto the truth. The person will stay if that serves you in your becoming subject to truth; if not, there are always more people. Your openness will allow you to embrace the next person who can re-orient you to becoming one who acts in accordance with truth. Opportunity only closes down when you fixate on the elements of the last encounter, not the opening itself--how you felt when you saw the realm of possibility expand out before you. 
  • Let go of the outcome...let go!
Alain Badiou: "There is an intrinsic finitude to desire, due to its cause always being an object, whereas it is not an object that is the cause of love, but a being." Embrace desire--for love has to pass through it in order to come into fruition--but the object is not the point.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Random musings on the people we attract and repulse

I've been looking at the people who are in my orbit--it changes every so often, and lately, it's been changing a lot. This is what I've been thinking about:
  1. When you are repulsed by another: The people around us who we resist, who repulse us in some way, reflect things about ourselves that we don't like. They show us our shadow--where we have a fissure in our being, a place of weakness and distortion.
  2. When you are attracted to another: The people around us who we admire, who we're attracted to, show us qualities about ourselves that are inherent in us--qualities that are potentials in ourselves. They show us a greater version of ourselves and when we're around them, their presence acts as a container, a mirror, a context for us to experience ourselves better.
  3. When another is repulsed by you: If we reach out to those we're attracted to, and do so from a place of emptiness and want--of desiring to be filled by that person--then we're operating from shadow, from the fissure, wanting to become them rather than becoming ourselves. (edit: sometimes this person will be attracted to you, but the encounter may not be satisfying)
  4. When another is attracted to you: It's better to go to one's to do list and finish something, to feel whole in doing so, and from that place to reach out--because then it matters less if they reach back or not.
Problems to solve:
  • Honestly, I don't know what to do about #1. So people who repulse us show us sides of ourselves we don't like. Then what do we do? My m.o. has been to avoid them completely, but this doesn't seem quite right.
  • If I apply #3 to creating an audience for my writing, how the hell do I not reach out to people out of a space of emptiness and want? Because if I just do #4 and focus on the writing, then there's no marketing.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

How to get a cheap laugh when you're in a frazzled, shitty mood

I just found this awesome Poem Generator!

I put in my own nouns, verbs, and adjectives, according to how I felt, and here's a few of my choicest results.

Lameasses rise!
Why does the shit sail?

Lame, dumb jerks angrily punch an angry, lame poop.
All lameasses command angry, lame ass.
Die roughly like a lame shit.
Why does the poop grow?

Life, love, and life.
Never suck an ass.

Where is the angry dumbass?
Wow, courage!
Courage is a angry jerk.
Where is the stupid shit?
The irritated poop angrily sucks the shit.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Handling change

This is my monthly post for the Insecure Writer's Support Group.

I've been divorced about a month now. Despite being separated for a year and a half before that, it's triggered an ontological shift for me--my identity has changed and whether I'm ready for it or not, it has created ripples of transformation throughout the rest of my life.

Every time after a transformation, after that burst of force and enthusiasm into a different plane of existence, one feels the limitless possibility and potential of that new plane. Then, as enthusiasm subsides enough so one can go about with the practical details of living, the limitations begin to appear. As one tries to consciously carve out new ways of being, one gets tired and confused, and old default selves and defense mechanisms rise up to crutch the scrabbling, tenuous new self.

It's easier to diminish, you start to think. It's easier to subside and shrink and go back to the way you were before. But then you find that going back is impossible, and you're stuck having to work it out, to find a new place of balance or to live in floundering chaos.

I was thinking about how the world is always in crisis somewhere, and then there are other places that are flourishing. Whether you feel that the world is in crisis or not depends on whether you're personally affected, whether you're watching the news, etc. It's the same with the self. We always have some crisis going on somewhere--whether it's with health, career, home, or relationships either personal or spiritual or what-have-you. We can either go into the crisis and let it swallow us, or we can go to a safer place and observe that the crisis is just like a little fissure in the self--a place where we cannot separate from outside influence, a continual pressure like air or water to create unity between us and other,--to create homeostasis. It looks ugly--it looks like mutation and destruction and disease--but it's a space of communication that reminds us that there is no such thing as a totally closed system.

We need crises in order to keep evolving, mutating, transforming.

It's far more comfortable to be an observer of the crisis, at the same time as invested in it in some way that facilitates its healing. Can we be in a crisis but not of it? What causes us to be swallowed by a crisis is something in us that's habituated to feeling ungrounded and confused...that somehow feels comfort in it. This is an illusion...

A couple of things I've learned in my past few weeks of surfing the waves of crisis:
  1. It's good to do whatever you want, because even if it's humiliating or embarrassing, few people notice or care beyond giving what you did a passing thought.
  2. It's not good to do things out of fear of having things remain undecided. 
  3. Thus, patience and fearlessness are our friends. We can have anything and everything we want, but if we allow our fear-self and our pride-self to have too much of a say about what we want, we will get nothing at all.
  4. It's helpful to realize that we are in far more control of our reality than we are customarily led to believe. Life really is like a dream in which, if you can embrace lucidity, you can create at will. 
  5. However, we can't ignore the rules of logic that organize our creations. We must observe a balance between organization and chaos.
Part of me wonders if this blog post is sounding like a crazy-person rant. But if you refer to point #1, it's good to do whatever you want--acknowledging, of course, point #5, which means that if you don't write an interesting or coherent blog post, nobody will read it. It is what it is, and we go on.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Launching Hot Pink Books!

Happy Valentine's Day! My friend Karen and I are launching our novella series, Hot Pink Books, today. Each of us has two new releases of these choose your own erotic adventure novellas in which you are the protagonist and you get to decide your way through the twists and turns of these stories.

Here are the available novellas, here is the blog, and go here to join the newsletter and get the free sample novella that Karen and I co-wrote.

I'm kind of brain-dead from working a lot lately so I'm going to leave this post as a bare-bones announcement. I'm working on a Regency-era-themed one currently and hope to release that in another six to eight weeks.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Insecurity and just showing up

This is my monthly post for the Insecure Writer's Support Group.

I had a dream a few days ago that I was supposed to do the introductory part of a church service--to say the first few words, to recite a poem, and then to let the main speaker take the stand. I could only remember vaguely what I was supposed to say. I kept searching for an old program from which I could read my lines, and while I tore apart the backstage looking for one, someone else did my part and the service was started without me.

I realized that I could have winged it and no one would have known any better.

This is the dilemma of the typical perfectionist--who delays doing anything at all because they can't stand not having it just right. No one notices if it's just right or not--and then the perfectionist misses an opportunity.

This is how I felt about writing this blog post today. I have a lot to say, but not a lot of energy to say it. Still, the important thing--and the great thing about this group--is just showing up. Just put it out there--who cares if it's perfect? Or even interesting? If someone doesn't like it, they'll move on and won't give it a second thought!

It's a good mantra for everything I do on a daily basis. Just write the damn words. Just sit butt in damn chair. Just show up! It's 99% of the work.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

How to structure the ego

So this is a follow-up to yesterday's post about how I managed to break a cycle of addiction by encountering and matching the energy of a person with ego-structure in a place where I was using addiction to replace that structure.

A few hours after I wrote that post--actually, coinciding with my kids coming home from school, I went into a complete tailspin back into my addiction. I engaged in this circular thought-form like a toddler jamming his finger again and again on the button of some toy that makes a horribly irritating noise. The problem wasn't that I became really unproductive with regard to getting anything done, even though that was the case--the bigger problem is that when you engage an addiction, all it does is make you crave more. So I craved--reached for something to feed the circular thought-form--didn't find it, crashed emotionally at the epicenter of my unfulfilled primary need, and ended up feeling just kind of bad about myself.

So I'm thinking today about what happened, how I can prevent it from happening again, and what to do if it does happen. Since I can't just randomly call up these people whose energy I matched and ask them if I can match them again.

Our systems thrive on balance, rhythm, and loose structures. Limitations make us more creative, because most of us aren't the types who can create in a vacuum. (I'm going to talk more about Human Design System later. In HDS, only 10% of the population are the Manifestor types--and only these people have the makeup to initiate within a vacuum. Most of the population are Generators, who need to respond to something in order to do something that's natural to them.)The very act of us incarnating into human bodies brings us into a space-time continuum--we create boundaries, a container within which we can have a concept of change and movement--linearizing a multidimensional reality in order to develop self-awareness. Because limitless dimension can't gain more dimension unless it separates out of itself in order to gain micro awareness of a macro structure.

We need structure--we need a heartbeat and breath to give our bodies a regulatory rhythm. We need a certain amount of sleep, we need a certain amount of alone time to recharge, and time to connect with others. Many of us--especially the pure Generator types--thrive best on regular work schedules. (I'm a Manifesting Generator--which is 25% of the population--and which loves to work, but does not do so well with structured work schedules.)

Our bodies are porous and made mostly of water, and we are made for matching the energy of our environment, of people, of music, color...we are separated from something but we love to merge. To find resonance with something other than ourselves. It's a constant reminder that we're part of something greater, and that affinity will always pull us back to it.

We are also easily destabilized, particularly in areas in which we--either by nature or by nurture--didn't build our own structures or habits of being, our own way of doing something. These are vulnerable places. Yesterday I talked about how the unfulfillment of a primary need is one thing that creates this place of vulnerability, of unstructured ego (where I don't know who "I" am). This is a nurture element creating vulnerability. There is also a nature element, and that I'll address through a HDS example. Here's what my chart looks like:
Each of the colored-in centers represents an area in which I have structure--I have a way of running those spaces, and when I go into a room, others will tend to match me unless their own center is filled in there, in which there'll be a bit of a battle, a negotiation of whose information dominates. The one at the throat is the communication space. the two triangles on left and right on the bottom are roughly health info and emotional info. The two bottom squares are sacral energy (sexuality, pure energy) and survival/grounding.

The white centers are places where I don't have a set way of doing things, and I'll tend to match my environment. My white centers are the head centers--regulating how one thinks and sets energy--the middle diamond is the ego, where because mine is empty I'll never have a strong self-concept, and will always be searching for identity. The other little middle triangle is called "heart" but really is more about will. People with an empty will center are constantly trying to prove themselves, because they don't quite trust their own worth.

The reason why I find one of my children far more destabilizing than the other is partially because that one has the top two centers filled in. So whenever he steps into the room, I start being influenced by the thinking patterns of an 8-year-old boy. Naturally, I get easily irritated because I'm so inefficient. People with a lot of empty centers tend to be a lot easier to be around--I find them more comforting, and people with a lot of filled-in centers can either be extremely stimulating and exciting, or annoying, depending on how their energy complements my own makeup.

The first person who I matched to come out of my addiction has the middle diamond filled in--strong self-concept--and because he's a highly addictive person himself, he has built many structures just to be functional on a daily basis--so matching him, I also matched those structures. He doesn't do so well around me, because his emotional center is empty, and he finds my somewhat intense emotional space uncomfortable to be around for long periods of time.

The second person has every single center filled in. He's like a personal revolution, a transformation-machine. I don't know him well, but I am certain he's transformed many people's lives.

The tenuous ego-structures I'd built up until my kids got home were destabilized by their coming home. I once again reached for my addiction, which gave me a quick and habitual ego-structuring fix. An unsustainable one.

How can we, then, structure the "I" in a more sustainable way? Only by the slow building of healthy patterns, particularly in the places of vulnerability. We won't ever have a natural, automatic way of dealing with destabilizing energies, but we can train ourselves. There are general ways of addressing the chaos, and specific ones.

The general ones are mostly about taking care of our bodies. Without adequate sleep and nutrition, we have little chance of getting anything done on the specific level.
  • We need enough sleep to allow the conscious to have resting time, and the subconscious to do its balancing work on the psyche during the various stages of sleep. 
  • As for nutrition, without eating good food, we'll get mood spikes and hormone imbalance. The body will delegate far too much energy to simply digesting the nasty food, and there'll be less around for other functions--including self-healing, and thinking.
  • general detox--this can occur on so many levels...turning off electronic devices and wireless...
To specifically address places in which we're vulnerable to being destabilized, to going into addiction, I'm thinking of these things:
  • Identify where we need structure--more sense of "I". We can do this by looking at where our centers are empty in a HDS chart. I think HDS is even better than astrology for quickly identifying these places.
  • Meditation: this clears emotional charge off of our patterns so we can see them better--calms habitual thought-forms to allow natural wisdom to arise from the body. Meditation is the single best method, in my opinion, to unmatch from places where our empty centers are getting all frazzled from unwillingly matching others, or where our filled-in centers are fighting with others' filled-in centers.
  • Using crystals--these are particularly effective because our bodies will easily match the resonance inherent in anything with crystalline structure. It will feel better to us than the resonance of computers, emf, all that shit flying around everywhere these days. We will naturally attune to the best-feeling energy available. Crystals can be chosen for their personal feel or by their known attributes.
  • Even hair or items of clothing can help block energy or channel it. Hats and headscarves can give impart structure to thoughtforms.
  • Mantras or affirmations: At the Berkeley Psychic Institute, I was taught that we shouldn't use mantras (like repeatedly chanting Hare Krishna, for instance) because they erase information. I think this is true on some level, but if we pay attention to what we're erasing, then it can be a useful tool. They can erase unhealthy thoughtforms or habitual patterns. 
  • Writing: this is what I'm doing right now--linearizing my reality through language and expression in order to organize it and make my way through something uncomfortable.
I'm just listing some of the things that are most appropriate for me. There's any number of ways that healthy patterns can be built to structure the ego--the point is to find something that gives one rhythm or routine and particularly in the areas of vulnerability. Smokers, for instance, are generally suffering from a primary unfulfilled need for breath--for being able to feel that they have a right to live, to draw in life. (There is a whole other fascinating topic about smokers and body patterns and movement--like their ribs tend to be shaped a certain way because they have this fear of exhaling completely--and when you ask them to breathe they'll often force it. But I should probably not go off on this tangent right now.) For a smoker, I'd think about creating small spaces of personal ownership, perhaps. Something like that. It's about making a solution that matches the need.