A few hours after I wrote that post--actually, coinciding with my kids coming home from school, I went into a complete tailspin back into my addiction. I engaged in this circular thought-form like a toddler jamming his finger again and again on the button of some toy that makes a horribly irritating noise. The problem wasn't that I became really unproductive with regard to getting anything done, even though that was the case--the bigger problem is that when you engage an addiction, all it does is make you crave more. So I craved--reached for something to feed the circular thought-form--didn't find it, crashed emotionally at the epicenter of my unfulfilled primary need, and ended up feeling just kind of bad about myself.
So I'm thinking today about what happened, how I can prevent it from happening again, and what to do if it does happen. Since I can't just randomly call up these people whose energy I matched and ask them if I can match them again.
Our systems thrive on balance, rhythm, and loose structures. Limitations make us more creative, because most of us aren't the types who can create in a vacuum. (I'm going to talk more about Human Design System later. In HDS, only 10% of the population are the Manifestor types--and only these people have the makeup to initiate within a vacuum. Most of the population are Generators, who need to respond to something in order to do something that's natural to them.)The very act of us incarnating into human bodies brings us into a space-time continuum--we create boundaries, a container within which we can have a concept of change and movement--linearizing a multidimensional reality in order to develop self-awareness. Because limitless dimension can't gain more dimension unless it separates out of itself in order to gain micro awareness of a macro structure.
We need structure--we need a heartbeat and breath to give our bodies a regulatory rhythm. We need a certain amount of sleep, we need a certain amount of alone time to recharge, and time to connect with others. Many of us--especially the pure Generator types--thrive best on regular work schedules. (I'm a Manifesting Generator--which is 25% of the population--and which loves to work, but does not do so well with structured work schedules.)
Our bodies are porous and made mostly of water, and we are made for matching the energy of our environment, of people, of music, color...we are separated from something but we love to merge. To find resonance with something other than ourselves. It's a constant reminder that we're part of something greater, and that affinity will always pull us back to it.
We are also easily destabilized, particularly in areas in which we--either by nature or by nurture--didn't build our own structures or habits of being, our own way of doing something. These are vulnerable places. Yesterday I talked about how the unfulfillment of a primary need is one thing that creates this place of vulnerability, of unstructured ego (where I don't know who "I" am). This is a nurture element creating vulnerability. There is also a nature element, and that I'll address through a HDS example. Here's what my chart looks like:
The white centers are places where I don't have a set way of doing things, and I'll tend to match my environment. My white centers are the head centers--regulating how one thinks and sets energy--the middle diamond is the ego, where because mine is empty I'll never have a strong self-concept, and will always be searching for identity. The other little middle triangle is called "heart" but really is more about will. People with an empty will center are constantly trying to prove themselves, because they don't quite trust their own worth.
The reason why I find one of my children far more destabilizing than the other is partially because that one has the top two centers filled in. So whenever he steps into the room, I start being influenced by the thinking patterns of an 8-year-old boy. Naturally, I get easily irritated because I'm so inefficient. People with a lot of empty centers tend to be a lot easier to be around--I find them more comforting, and people with a lot of filled-in centers can either be extremely stimulating and exciting, or annoying, depending on how their energy complements my own makeup.
The first person who I matched to come out of my addiction has the middle diamond filled in--strong self-concept--and because he's a highly addictive person himself, he has built many structures just to be functional on a daily basis--so matching him, I also matched those structures. He doesn't do so well around me, because his emotional center is empty, and he finds my somewhat intense emotional space uncomfortable to be around for long periods of time.
The second person has every single center filled in. He's like a personal revolution, a transformation-machine. I don't know him well, but I am certain he's transformed many people's lives.
The tenuous ego-structures I'd built up until my kids got home were destabilized by their coming home. I once again reached for my addiction, which gave me a quick and habitual ego-structuring fix. An unsustainable one.
How can we, then, structure the "I" in a more sustainable way? Only by the slow building of healthy patterns, particularly in the places of vulnerability. We won't ever have a natural, automatic way of dealing with destabilizing energies, but we can train ourselves. There are general ways of addressing the chaos, and specific ones.
The general ones are mostly about taking care of our bodies. Without adequate sleep and nutrition, we have little chance of getting anything done on the specific level.
- We need enough sleep to allow the conscious to have resting time, and the subconscious to do its balancing work on the psyche during the various stages of sleep.
- As for nutrition, without eating good food, we'll get mood spikes and hormone imbalance. The body will delegate far too much energy to simply digesting the nasty food, and there'll be less around for other functions--including self-healing, and thinking.
- general detox--this can occur on so many levels...turning off electronic devices and wireless...
- Identify where we need structure--more sense of "I". We can do this by looking at where our centers are empty in a HDS chart. I think HDS is even better than astrology for quickly identifying these places.
- Meditation: this clears emotional charge off of our patterns so we can see them better--calms habitual thought-forms to allow natural wisdom to arise from the body. Meditation is the single best method, in my opinion, to unmatch from places where our empty centers are getting all frazzled from unwillingly matching others, or where our filled-in centers are fighting with others' filled-in centers.
- Using crystals--these are particularly effective because our bodies will easily match the resonance inherent in anything with crystalline structure. It will feel better to us than the resonance of computers, emf, all that shit flying around everywhere these days. We will naturally attune to the best-feeling energy available. Crystals can be chosen for their personal feel or by their known attributes.
- Even hair or items of clothing can help block energy or channel it. Hats and headscarves can give impart structure to thoughtforms.
- Mantras or affirmations: At the Berkeley Psychic Institute, I was taught that we shouldn't use mantras (like repeatedly chanting Hare Krishna, for instance) because they erase information. I think this is true on some level, but if we pay attention to what we're erasing, then it can be a useful tool. They can erase unhealthy thoughtforms or habitual patterns.
- Writing: this is what I'm doing right now--linearizing my reality through language and expression in order to organize it and make my way through something uncomfortable.